Thanks to Pigeonarmy for betareading.
This takes place during the beginning of the Macrovirus Emergency started up by Tawaki.
"Now, lessee, if I hit this section here and maybe used some duct ta-"
Agent July had managed to hit her head on the metal bars of the bunk above her.
Her partner, Library, sighed as she accepted the mission on the Console. "I'm amazed you're not dead from all these head injuries you give yourself."
"I'm hard headed," July told the other girl as she rubbed her head. No blood. That was good. "I hope that doesn't leave a bump..."
"That's nice." Library said in an absentminded way as she read part of the fic on the screen. "Oh my."
"Oh my what?" July joined her and read as well. "Wait a second, what? A what?"
"I think it's a Cute Animal Sue."
"Yeah. S'kind of obvious. But what the hell is a merdog!?" July asked no one in particular, while she used the insanity clause to use both an exclamation mark and question mark.
Library looked up the writer's FF.net profile. "Oh dear, her spelling is atrocious. Ah, it looks like they're dog-dragons?"
"...Where the hell does the mer part come from, then?"
"They seem to be water oriented, since it says they have ice and water 'breths'."Library's nose wrinkled as she struggled to read the profile information. "And a 'gliter' one too, for wishes."
"Eugh. What fandom again?"
"Something called Trauma Center?"
"That canon doesn't have room for magic! Or weird creatures! Well, that sort of magic, at least," July amended. "I'm still not sure if the Healing Touch is magical or not, but pretty sure it's not," she rambled. "And the weirdest creatures in that canon are really messed up diseases..."
"Let's just get the mission done."
Library picked up her pistol, made sure it was loaded, and checked the safety. It was off. July grabbed their equipment, which she shoved into her backpack quickly, and picked up her sledgehammer and started to open the portal.
"July, wait a moment!"
"It's in the first person perspective." The two had learned about the problem with first person POV fics in their second mission. Library had still not completely forgiven July for that one.
"Ooh." July backed away from the portal generator and Library. "I don't want to get turned into a weird dragon dog cross thing. What do we do then?"
"The last time I was in the cafeteria I had talked about that horrible Doom fic and someone mentioned that DoSAT had something to deal with first and second person POV fics."
July paused. Library was holding her pistol, and saying the wrong thing could count as suicide. "And that means...?"
Library walked over to one of the few shelves in their room and returned with a soft yellow cube. "It took a bit of time, but I managed to convince Makes-Things to let us keep one on hand for the first person fics." Library's eyes gleamed. One of July's twitched in response.
"Did it involve you using your pistol?"
"I'll tell you later. Just open the portal."
"Why won't you tell me now?" July asked, as she stepped through the portal, where Library was already waiting. The scene hadn't fully coalesced yet.
"Because the mission comes first." Library had released the crash dummy into the fic before she had allowed her partner to follow. Since the crash dummy was probably meant to stick to humanoid shapes, and the merdog, whatever it was exactly, wasn't humanoid, the dummy occasionally quivered in the egg it was now in.
The Author's Note boomed over them.
"Charge for poor spelling and grammar in the Author's Note, of all things," Library noted.
July scribbled the charge down onto a piece of parchment left over from their first mission. "Got it."
Library looked over the parchment and frowned. "Can you even read your handwriting?"
"Yes. No. Sometimes. Depends."
"I'll write the charges then. My handwriting is legible."
July muttered darkly as she handed the parchment over and watched the dummy hatch from its egg. Derek stood over it. “Hello little fella,” he said.
“Daddy said the dummy.
"That makes no sense," Library said, scanning the Words. "If it's speaking in its own language, it'd make no sense for humans to understand it." She added that to the charges, in pointedly neat handwriting.
It didn't escape July's attention. "Not my fault my handwriting's illegible..."
"Yes it is."
Derek told the merdog/crash dummy that he wasn't its father,as the merdog sprouted previously unmentioned pink clean fur that he stroked.
"Pink fur?" It was added to the charges.
"No." Thunk. "Freaking." Thunk. "Way." Thunk.
"If you keep it up, we're going to be noticed."
"He's so out of character he probably wouldn't notice anything, at this point. And that thing-"
Derek named it.
"Dragina?! He's made to name it Dragina? For the love of all that is right with the Multiverse!"
"Idiotic names count as charges, don't they?"
"I have no idea; add it anyways."
They watched as the merdog/dummy randomly named things like Douglas Adams' bowl of petunias-turned-whale had, and had Derek indulge in its idiocies by explaining the sun and the night and day cycle.
There was an unexpected lurch as the dummy hit itself on the window.
“What the hell
"Ack!" July says in a tone of surprise, as the tense shifts to the present.
"Don't worry, it'll be over in a second," Library tells her worried partner, while she adds blatant idiocy, knowing things for no good reason, and tense shifts to the charges. This tense shift has not helped her mood at all.
“Something’s trying to kill me. Help!!”
"Yeah, us, soon," July grumbled as the past tense reasserted itself.
Derek went to feed the sue animal, and the Agents took a brief respite in it until Dragina asked “Do you have ohana?”
"Please tell me it did not just say that."
"What do you mean?"
"It just ripped off a line from a Disney movie; Lilo and Stitch!"
The merdog finished up the stolen line, delivered exactly as Stitch had, but without any of the emotional power that the line had in the film.
"Ah." Library wrote the charge down without seeming especially offended or otherwise cross.
"...Oh yeah. That doesn't mean anything to you, does it?"
"Not at all."
"We get back to HQ, we're gonna need to fix that. Preferably with popcorn."
They waited through use of the British 'mum' by Derek ("Outside of the Japanese version, he's American!" July said furiously), and the random psychic time check (because the Sue could) before they portalled through to the end of the chapter.
The Vox Dei spoke. How was that?was it good or bad?I have no name ok so just call me merdog.my 1st story ever so it may not be as good as most of you authors.anyway,review if you can please.
"There's no excus-"
One of the CADs in July's bag went off. "Eh? What was that?" She dug through the bag and pulled the beeping one out. "Oooh, hey, I didn't know it could do that."
"Receive messages. Huh, lockdown." She passed the CAD to Library so the other Agent could read the display.
"Has anything like this happened at HQ before?"
July shrugged. "No clue. But if we're lucky, it'll finish up before we need to go back, anyways."
The next chapter began with another Author's Note.
"You'd think she'd at least bother to check what she had been typing, if she was a slow typist," Library noted.
Derek taught the Sue animal more things that it should know known but didn't, while it knew things it should not have.
"I don't know about you, but I'm getting real tired of the baby talk and the childish way this Suethor's making him act."
"You can put up with it until we've got enough charges."
Occasionally the two Agents were able to spot the crash dummy quivering below the pink merdog fur.
“Yes, that’s right, and I’ve got collage, oh god!” He said in a, well, oh god voice.
“Oh, it’s where humans go to learn things, well, humans over twenty-one.” He explained.
"That's not collage, that's college. And people normally start college right after they finish high school or secondary school or whatever, not twenty one and-"
"July, you're ranting."
"Heh. Sorry." She blinked. "Wait, what?"
“Anyway, I’ll put this on you’re neck,” he said. The two Agents watched with minor disbelief as the canon character put a loop of pure Suvian color around the Sue's neck “It’s called a colour, but this one is special, so it doesn’t hurt you or anything,”
"Did- did he just do what I think he did?"
"Put completely distilled color around its neck, and a Suvian one at that? Yes." Library noted it as a charge on the parchment.
Reading the Words revealed something very promising. "Hm... Merdogs have weak necks, do they?"
"July, that's very nice to know. Now let's hurry, he just took it out on a walk."
The Sue didn't bother to describe the outside scene except that it was beautiful and quiet out here, forcing the Agents to follow along silently until they got to the park that the merdog was being taken to.
The park was a big field, and a tree.
"Huh. This seems familiar," July said, as she read the Words slightly lazily. She had sat on the ground the moment she could.
Library charged for the three dogs temporarily turning into a location because of the use of 'where'. "Don't all poorly described places seem familiar?"
"Uh, yeah, but this is different," July told her partner, waving at the tree. The CAD beeped again, and this time Library looked at it first.
"Oh no... July, HQ is under quarantine!"
"Wait, what?" The CAD was passed over and July read the message on its screen. "This has gotta be a sick joke. Right?"
Library's expression made it clear that it wasn't the time for bringing up jokes.
"But, what do we do when we finish the mission? It's not like we can go back!"
"We have a remote activator." The blonde said firmly. "We use it, and we leave. Maybe not to HQ, but to somewhere else. There's probably several dozen canons that you and I can think of between us that we could blend in for awhile."
July nodded, unsure if that was really the best idea.
“Dragina! Time to go now!”
They followed the canon character and Sue back to the room the Sue had hatched from, both Agents in a foul mood. Library didn't even bother to mark down the extra count of uneeded explanations and idiocy.
Dragina asked Derek how she had ended up with him.
“I’m not that much shore,” He said as he promptly began to resemble a small stretch of shore. “Well… I just went to the forest for a day out about a month ago, and I found a pink egg on a mushroom top blocking the river, I wasn’t shore what it was, until now.” he explained.
"Charge for ripping off another game."
Derek returned to being a human when he answered her next question with “I’m not shore.”
They were shunted into the next chapter unexpectedly.
Library looked around the undescribed scene. "I think this is supposed to be a dream sequence."
"If it is, it sucks." July paused as she read ahead. "Oh, hell no!"
July pointed at a blond haired man who appeared in front of the Sue. "He's going to give her the Healing Touch! He's supposed to be Asclepius! That breaks it, she dies now. I don't even think that breaking its neck is going to do no-"
"You mean, he had given her the Healing Touch."
"While you were talking that's what happened."
"Agh!" July twisted towards the Sue and Asclepius.
“But I must also teach you welsh.”
“What the hell!? Does this have anything to do with shapes and bloody concentration?” The Sue asked.
“Please stop. No it hasn’t. Triwch siarad cymraeg,” the god replied.
July lifted her sledgehammer, and finally caught its attention when she yelled."You die now!"
"Oh, yeah." July lunged at the surprised Sue and grabbed it by its neck, holding it still.
Library began reading the charges. "Dragina the merdog, you are being charged with poor spelling and grammar in your author's notes, being understandable to humans despite speaking in another language and not being of a humanoid species, being a creature that does not exist in the Trauma Center continuum or any continuum, for that matter, having pink fur, being named Dragina-"
"You actually put that one on the charges?"
"Yes, I did. And don't interrupt. As I was saying, for being named Dragina, multiple counts of blatant idiocy, knowing things that you shouldn't know, random tense shifts due to poor grammar and spelling, stealing lines from the movie Lilo and Stitch, using the British mum, being able to psychically know the time, forcing an intelligent canon character to use baby talk, sending said character to collage, when he should be going to college, being under the belief that you need to wait until after you are twenty one to go to college, creating a pure loop of color, talking to dogs, stealing ideas from the game series Spyro, turning Derek Stiles into a bit of shoreline, forcing Asclepius to give you the Healing Touch-"
"Only his presumed descendants can have the Healing Touch! You're not even human, so that doesn't make any sense at all!"
"July, stop interrupting! Forcing the presence of said god in your dream, as well as making him randomly teach you Welsh and for annoying us, Agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. The verdict is that you are a Mary Sue, and that you must die."
July hit the crash dummy over the head with her sledgehammer. There was the interesting effect of the crash dummy deflating to the floor and leaving her holding an unconscious merdog. "Enough charges, huh?"
"I enjoy being thorough." Library collected the crash dummy.
"Huh. You know, I didn't actually expect to be able to knock it out in its own dream." There was a sickening crack as July broke its neck. "Or kill it, in its dream, for that matter. And what do we do with him?"
The supposed god looked very confused and worried. "Don't hurt me?" he suggested.
Library eyed him thoughtfully. "We could recruit him."
"Recruit me to what?"
"The PPC. We take care of things like that. Sues. Badfics. Nutter people like me who are just slightly unsafe."
"July, you manage to concuss yourself at least once a week. The only one you are unsafe to is yourself."
July grinned before she opened a portal to the room the fic had been taking place in and left. She returned with the loop of pure color, another dead Dragina, and the neuralyzer out and her sunglasses on.
"Well, I suppose I could. There's not much use in me staying here, is there?"
A TARDIS appeared.
"I'm not sure. July?"
"I think that might be our ticket out of here." Seeing the look on Library's face, she added, "It's a TARDIS."
They entered it, and July and Library were surprised that it was set up like their Response Center.
"Hello?" Library called.
There was a young man operating the controls. "Agents Library and July?"
"Yes, with a new recruit."
"Lovely," the man said, with heavy sarcasm. "I'm Denny Robbs, from Operations. This is your TARDIS from DoSAT; you three look smart, you should be able to figure the controls out. There's a manual and everything. "
July gave him a strange look. "No offense really meant, but shouldn't it be someone from DoSAT or whatever doing this?"
Denny rolled his eyes. "You'd think, but the situation's gone completely wahoonie-shaped. The DO's been pulled in to help where we can. And what's worse is there doesn't seem to be much of a contingency plan. Damn Flowers. We're trying to get the TARDISes out as quickly as we can before anyone ends up stranded in the field, or before we're not able to get to the TARDISes."
"What do we do now, then?" Library asked.
"You go to New Caledonia, on Earth. The Corkscrew Cattail is the one in charge of this, report to it when you get to the town there. Now, I've got to get moving, I don't want to get hassled."
He portalled out, leaving the two Agents and new recruit alone in stunned silence.
This fic was just generally bad. I left a review on the story, which was:
Hi. I just came across this story, and I need to tell you something:
Your writing needs tonnes of work.
Your spelling is off kilter (and for a lot of those misspellings in your fics and on your profile, use of spellcheck could clean up most of them!), your grammar is just as wonk (it truly is, I am not going to pad this any way at all), and your writing is just boring. Getting someone to beta read for you and point out and fix all the mistakes that you miss at times would improve your stuff by tenfold.
All this story is about is about how special Dragina is. That is not the way it is supposed to work. In fanfiction, you're supposed to focus on the CANON characters, that is, the characters already in the story. If you think you need to add your own special characters to the story, you are not doing it right. If that is the case, you should try writing original fiction instead, and work on improving your writing that way.
On the topic of Dragina, she is a Mary Sue. This means that she is extra special and can do all sorts of things normal people can not do. This is not a good thing. I don't think this problem can be fixed, either. Please stop using Dragina and seriously think about the characters that you make.
Possibly a bit harsh, but there'd not been much going on with the other reviewers' suggestions for improvement.
Additional Author's Note (April 19 2010): For everyone reading this now, this is to mention the review that I had left was overly harsh, looking back on it. edlovesjuicyfruit73's reviews and encouragement to keep improving were better and more helpful to the author over the long run, than the single one I had left the writer.